This week so far
I'm not really sure what to even write here. A little processing is good, and yet privacy is also needed. I want to respect everyone's privacy who this affects, so I will do my best to do that while speaking solely of my own experience.
A week ago I found out that my ex-boyfriend passed away under extreme circumstances.
I have gone through a mixed range of emotions including shock, numbness, extreme sadness, anger, and guilt. In short, I am grieving. I did not go to school or work at all last week. I took each day as it came and the thought of being around people was overwhelming.
It is so difficult because he was my ex. We broke up for very valid reasons and at times it is hard to recall the reasons why we fell in love and were together for so long. I wanted nothing but the best for him. I wanted him to live a long life, doing things that he loved.
Another reason this has been so hard is because I am exactly where I want to be. I am living with my current boyfriend (Tim), who is the absolute love of my life, and taking care of our puppy. We're talking about getting married and are working on creating our life together. I am going to seminary and will be starting on my Masters of Social Work in the fall. I am right where I want to be, doing what God calls me to do.
There are some main questions and topics that come up or I get asked when people find out about my ex's death and I'd like to address them.
How do you feel?/How are you doing?
I'm doing as well as can be expected. Some times I don't want to talk about it. I want to pretend like everything is okay. Sometimes I want to talk about it, but only with people who knew him or understand our past. I don't want to explain it all over and over again.
I'm trying to focus on the here and now. It's very easy to get sucked into the past, into my past role of the girlfriend and caregiver. That's not me anymore.
How long did you two date?
Almost 4 years. We lived together for about 2 of those years. First with my parents in their home and then in our apartment for about 6 months before we broke up.
When did you last see or talk to each other?
October 2014. I can remember our last conversation. It was not pleasant.
Did you ever reconcile?
No we did not.
Who told you about it?
His family contacted me.
How's Tim (current boyfriend) handling it?
He came home from work when I found out and spent the day with me. It's a weird situation and we've acknowledged that. He's been fantastic, absolutely supportive. He's let me talk it out and cry it out whenever I've needed to.
When is the service?
It's in a few weeks. I'll be there for awhile to pay my respects.
Other questions you might be wondering, but feel to uncomfortable to ask.
How did he die?
I know how and I'd rather not say.
Was he sick?
He suffered from a debilitating mental illness called Schizoaffective Disorder. This is hard question to answer because mental illness is something we have been raised to not speak about in this country. We must be open about these things. That is all I will say about his illness because it was his and not mine.
A week ago I found out that my ex-boyfriend passed away under extreme circumstances.
I have gone through a mixed range of emotions including shock, numbness, extreme sadness, anger, and guilt. In short, I am grieving. I did not go to school or work at all last week. I took each day as it came and the thought of being around people was overwhelming.
It is so difficult because he was my ex. We broke up for very valid reasons and at times it is hard to recall the reasons why we fell in love and were together for so long. I wanted nothing but the best for him. I wanted him to live a long life, doing things that he loved.
Another reason this has been so hard is because I am exactly where I want to be. I am living with my current boyfriend (Tim), who is the absolute love of my life, and taking care of our puppy. We're talking about getting married and are working on creating our life together. I am going to seminary and will be starting on my Masters of Social Work in the fall. I am right where I want to be, doing what God calls me to do.
There are some main questions and topics that come up or I get asked when people find out about my ex's death and I'd like to address them.
How do you feel?/How are you doing?
I'm doing as well as can be expected. Some times I don't want to talk about it. I want to pretend like everything is okay. Sometimes I want to talk about it, but only with people who knew him or understand our past. I don't want to explain it all over and over again.
I'm trying to focus on the here and now. It's very easy to get sucked into the past, into my past role of the girlfriend and caregiver. That's not me anymore.
How long did you two date?
Almost 4 years. We lived together for about 2 of those years. First with my parents in their home and then in our apartment for about 6 months before we broke up.
When did you last see or talk to each other?
October 2014. I can remember our last conversation. It was not pleasant.
Did you ever reconcile?
No we did not.
Who told you about it?
His family contacted me.
How's Tim (current boyfriend) handling it?
He came home from work when I found out and spent the day with me. It's a weird situation and we've acknowledged that. He's been fantastic, absolutely supportive. He's let me talk it out and cry it out whenever I've needed to.
When is the service?
It's in a few weeks. I'll be there for awhile to pay my respects.
Other questions you might be wondering, but feel to uncomfortable to ask.
How did he die?
I know how and I'd rather not say.
Was he sick?
He suffered from a debilitating mental illness called Schizoaffective Disorder. This is hard question to answer because mental illness is something we have been raised to not speak about in this country. We must be open about these things. That is all I will say about his illness because it was his and not mine.
I'm very sorry for your loss. ♥
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